ENVOI
TO
ELISABETH STARR
(the wonderful Mademoiselle of my books)
ELISABETH, you have
gone away and left us desolate. We needed you so badly,
your quaint humour, the energy and originality of your
ideas and their execution, your superb capability, and,
above all, your understanding heart with its ever-open
door ready to welcome in the tired, the discouraged, and
the oppressed. No burden seemed too heavy for those
slender shoulders, and I know we all piled ours upon
them—or rather you dragged them from us and added them
joyously to your load. There was no sorrow of those
around you that you did not share, no worry that you did
not dissipate with that tender mocking laugh, and a
philosophy that astonished because of its maturity and
wisdom. Astonished, because you seemed so young to have
learned it. That little sleek dark head, that sweet,
unlined, oval face which sometimes seemed all eyes, so
large they were, belonged to a girl, though the soul to
be seen in those eyes was that of a woman who had
struggled and suffered much, and, in the almost monastic
seclusion in which she chose to live, struggled still to
gain that peace which the world never gave.
You were always so insistent upon the
right of every person to privacy of thought and life ;
shy as a fawn yourself, except with those who knew and
loved you; refusing fiercely to exploit your beauty,
your talents, and your charm ; the perfect child of
Nature, happiest in hours of wild freedom in the
mountains or by the sea, when you became part of your
surroundings. You were so modest and so diffident, never
believing yourself to be worthy of love, you, who once
were described as une femme fatale because all who had
the rare privilege of meeting you succumbed at once to
your natural effortless charm. You never considered that
anything you did was good, although without lessons you
painted pictures judged worthy to be hung in the Paris
Salon; you seized a lump of clay and modelled a head
acclaimed by a Master Sculptor to be anatomically
perfect and the work of genius; you cooked like a chef,
and in ten minutes, in a tent or a ruined shepherd's
hut, could prepare a meal worthy of a gourmet. Those
delicate fingers could handle any tool, cure maladies of
cars, achieve masterpieces of carpentry, tend a sick
animal or bird, induce a fading plant to live, and
bandage beautifully any wound. But they could not—or
would not—sew, nor could they often be induced to write
letters, although, when you did write, in a few vivid
phrases you could portray with your pen a living picture
or wring the heart with one poignant sentence, worded as
no other in the world could have written it.
Your flight to serve will remain for ever
in the minds and hearts of many with a tender amazed
wonder, and I think that more than a few of us who
stumbled after those winged feet, but never could keep
pace, will always find a patch of flowers where once
your footprints were and so take heart of grace to
follow on. For me— " What I aspir'd to be And was not,
comforts me." I could never keep abreast of you, little
lovely one, but I did try ; and you were ever merciful
and compassionate to those who tried and failed, seeing
something beautiful in all frustrated effort.
You were such a wonderful companion—the
perfect woman-friend my John so longed to find for me,
and, as I shall always believe, found for me at last.
For you came into my life just after he left it. You
taught me to live again when I was spiritually dead;
found me fresh interests and showed me the lovely simple
things in our much-loved Provence ; designed me a little
home near your Castello and shared with me and others
its happy life, sowing seeds, transplanting seedlings in
our frames, making wine from our grapes, rearing baby
chickens, ducks, and rabbits ; finding new holiday-homes
in rare secluded places ; always ready to start forth on
some new adventure, joyous and gallant. We worked and
played together for many happy years ; you painted while
I wrote, and then, when light or inspiration failed, we
laid aside pencil and brush and worked in our beloved
gardens, or sat before a fire of crackling olive logs
and talked of serious things or funny things or just
were silent, as only true companions know how to be. We
were so happy.
Then came the war. You had already lived
and worked through one, as those faded ribbons and a
hidden medal testified. You knew—who better ?—what the
toil, the anguish, and the horror of this one would be.
From the moment when we heard the call of Mobilisation
Generale throughout France, those great eyes of yours,
sometimes alight with laughter, more often their light
quenched by a secret ineffable sadness, became haunted
with horror, but blazing with a fierce courage and
resolve. You, whose every movement had been full of a
lazy grace, became a whirlwind of energy ; a woman of
untiring enterprise and swift initiative. Once again
your poilus needed you, and you swept us all as willing
slaves into their service, giving yourself, all that you
had and were— ven your precious life itself—to France.
Living so long in France—those unloved
ties of your own land, America, abruptly severed and you
alone — you wished to share more fully the life of the
French, and so had taken their nationality. When the
collapse came and others fled, you stayed to comfort the
shamed, the heart-broken, the hungry, and the hopeless.
We begged you to save yourself while yet there was time,
but neither our love nor fear of what might come could
move your dauntless spirit. You suffered anguish of
mind, frustrated hopes, a terrible loneliness of spirit,
a deadening enforced inactivity; hungry and spied upon,
disillusioned often, until your health, weakened by the
last war, now strained beyond bearing, was entirely
broken. Your spirit NEVER. Darling, I know it. But I can
hardly bear to think of your sufferings so nobly and
patiently borne. In your last letter, which took you six
weeks to write because each of those lovely fingers was
septic and bandaged, you said: " I am covered with
carbuncles in all vital places and have one in each ear,
but I'm trying to keep the flag flying." I know you kept
it flying to the last. Then came a postscript: " Mine is
a very fashionable complaint here. We have only animal
turnips to eat." And your last cable : " We are all
getting much too slim. Very difficult to console
Squibs," your little shadowdog we loved so much.
Then the Italian occupation of the South
of France and the vigilance of the all-pervading German
Gestapo increased. A dreadful silence. No means of
sending even a word of love or comfort to you, and the
wonderful English food choked me knowing you starving.
But surely, surely, our love and constant thoughts must
have reached you. If we believe anything we must believe
that.
And then one morning a telegram was
brought to me. It came from the British Embassy in
Lisbon and told me that your martyrdom was ended.
A letter followed it telling me things
that hurt so intolerably that I rushed blindly out into
the woods feeling that I could bear no more. You felt it
and you came at once. I might have known you would, for
you could never bear to see anyone suffer. Suddenly I
saw your little face laughing amid a great patch of
daffodils blazing in sunshine, your head tilted back so
that I saw the sunlight glinting in your eyes and
gleaming on white teeth. That unruly lock of dark hair
had fallen over your brow as it always did. Never
before, in all your joyous moments of wild freedom in
the past, had I seen you look so utterly happy and
content, freed at last from the burden of the flesh,
pain conquered, frustration become fulfilment,
loneliness ended. It was as though you came to me to
say— " Forget all those horrors you've been reading,
Pegs. They didn't matter really and they're over now and
I'M so HAPPY."
That is all that matters really, little
one, your happiness. And of course you must be happy to
be at last with those you loved so much who had to leave
you alone so early. . . . I had to address a meeting
next day ; to talk on a platform to hundreds of people
about France, her tragic betrayal by her politicians,
her present terrible sufferings, and her unbroken
spirit. Knowing what I did, feeling what I then felt, I
thought that I could never face that audience. But I
did. And I didn't break down. I did it because I knew
that you wished me to do it, though it tore my heart out
to speak of such things, particularly then. When I came
home something—or someone ?—made me take up my own book
' Sunset House,' dedicated to you. Immediately I read :
" Mademoiselle had little sympathy for those who let
personal grid interfere with their duties." So you are
with me still, and spurring me on to work with you for
the redemption of our beloved France.
I will go on. I will go back because I
know you wish it, and because our peasants in the Midi
need the aid of those who lived among them for so long
to whom they always looked for help or comfort. I know
how sorely they must miss their Mademoiselle, and, being
a coward at heart, already I dread those tender grieving
references to you that I shall surely hear. The thought
of living again in my little ' Sunset House' with your
lovely Castello shuttered and empty below it is almost
unbearable, but there will be so much to do for those
around me, the hungry to feed, the naked to clothe, and
those sick children dying now in thousands from
tuberculosis and malnutrition, they, above all, need
care so desperately. You would have given it, and you
are urging me to give it.
Elisabeth, I have a plan to turn this
caravan in which I am now living and which I described
to you, into a mobile clinic and take it out to France
equipped with a steriliser, simple instruments,
bandages, medicaments, tinned milk, and nourishing
things to tend and feed the children of our
neighbourhood in Provence. I must have a team of doctor,
nurse, and driver. My plan is to collect a fleet of
caravan-clinics to pervade Provence, and I had dreamed
of doing this work with you. You would have organised it
all as wonderfully as you did your Foyers des Soldats de
France, whose badge I still so proudly wear. When I came
home before the collapse of France, you begged me
to raise money over here to buy a fleet of mobile douche
and disinfecting vans to drive to the Front for the
cleanliness and comfort of your poilus, who lacked these
things so sorely in the last war.
I had a great scheme for raising that
money when tragedy overcame us all. Now I believe that
the idea of caravan-clinics for the children of your
poilus is really yours, and that, with God's help and
your inspiration, I shall succeed in my Crusade for the
children of France. But you must stay with me ; you must
never leave me, for I shall need your courage and your
help so terribly.
PEGS.
THE CARAVAN, ' L'ETOILE FILANTE,
'HARTLAND ABBEY WOODS, N. DEVON
September 1943. |